Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Meeting Minutes (Part II): Pre-mortal life planning session (Garment Design)

Subject: Garment of the Holy Priesthood
Date: Pre-creation
Attendees: Heavenly Father, Jesus, Lucifer

Heavenly Father [HF]: Today we are going to finalize the design of the garment of the holy priesthood.

Lucifer: You mean the holy underwear?

Jesus: Underwear shouldn’t have holes in it (laughs obnoxiously).

Lucifer: Shut the fuck up, Jesus. You tell that joke every time.
(Jesus frowns)

HF: Lucifer, watch your language. Jesus, get a new joke.

Jesus: Sorry Dad.

HF: Let us proceed and design an undergarment that will be a shield and protection against the power of the destroyer until my followers have finished their work on the earth.

Lucifer: While I don’t see how these magic undies are going to be a shield against anything, I have some thoughts on this. For women, how about a nice little boy-short on the bottom where the gal's buttocks just peaks out the bottom of the garment? For the top, a cute reasonable bra will work-- more Victoria secret than Playtex. I would be fine with a little tank top in the summer and no bra. You know what; let’s make the top optional. For the men, some shorts with a slit in the front are fine. 

Jesus: Dad, when Lucifer was describing his idea for the under garments, I got a funny feeling in my loins. Is that the Holy Spirit of Promise telling me his idea is true?

HF: Jesus, take your hands out of your robe and put them where I can see them. Lucifer, I think you are missing the point. These garments are to represent the coat of skins that I will be giving my children when I kick them out of the Garden of Eden. They are to be a reminder of me, not a gateway to unclean thoughts.

Lucifer: You want people to see the underwear and think of you? What are you expecting, “that underwear makes me think of god, can’t wait to put my balls in there.” Nobody is going to see the holy underwear, so why can’t it be sexy and fun?

HF: It is not about the underwear, it is about the control. If you control something as personal as underwear, then you can control behaviors and, you know, encourage righteous behaviors or whatever.

Lucifer: I thought your plan was letting people choose, not control?

HF: It is about choice, but if they don’t choose me they have to pay the consequences. We have been over this before. They can choose to accept me and love me more than anything else in the world, or they can choose the punishment I will need to dole out for them not choosing me.

Lucifer: Seems like a hobson’s choice.

Jesus: I choose you, dad! Always and forever.

HF: Good boy, now back to the holy garment. We can’t make them for every body type, so we will make them bulky and generic looking so all of my children are equally uncomfortable. We will start by making them in a onesie, but overtime move toward a two piece design. I think an ill-fitting top, with awkward pouches for the breast will be best for the women. For the men, we will have a standard T-shirt top and a low cut option to show some man cleavage. 

Jesus: It will be like a celestial smile! A badge righteousness! An underwear ensign to the nations! A . .

HF: That’s enough. For the bottoms, we will have shorts with no form for both men and women. The length should be a few inches shy of capri pants. Lucifer, I like your idea for a slit in the men’s for convenience.

Jesus: Dad, I love your idea, but won’t it be expensive to give all your follower’s this holy garment?

HF: Who said we would give it to them? We’ll make them buy it, but we give them options. They can choose between white cotton and a white polyester mesh. Everybody can have their favorite color, as long as their favorite color is white.

Jesus: White and delightsome, just like you dad!

HF: On the garment, we will put markings. On the right breast will be is the mark of the square suggesting to the mind exactness and honor in keeping the covenants with me. On the left breast is the mark of the compass suggesting to the mind an undeviating course leading to Eternal Life, a constant reminder that desires, appetites and passions are to be kept within the bounds I have set, and that all truth may be circumscribed unto one great whole.   

Lucifer: Appetites and passions within your bounds? Okay, “Mr. I am the great I am” who is banging thousands of heavenly wives. And nipple marks? Is this a batman suit or underwear? I don’t even know why dudes have nipples, and now you want to highlight them with a “compass” and a “square.” This is some weird shit.

Jesus: I think the compass and the square will be great reminders of dad’s love. Whenever I feel alone or scared, I will close my eyes and gently caress the markings on my breasts to remember father is always with me.

Lucifer: So, you will close your eyes and rub your nipples when you feel lonely? If you do that on earth you will get crucified, and not in the redeeming the world type of way. In the mocked relentlessly type of way, like when you wet the bed at John the Beloved’s slumber party.

Jesus: That wasn’t pee; it was water that spilled out my side. I was under a lot of stress and apparently that can happen.

HF: Boys, no more side conversations, we need to finish up with this garment. A mark will also be placed over the naval suggesting to the mind the need of constant nourishment to the body and spirit. Finally, the knee mark will suggest that every knee shall bow, and every tough shall confess that Jesus is the Christ.

Jesus: That’s me! Thanks dad, you are the best.

Lucifer: You get the knee mark because you do your best work on your knees.

Jesus: I do love prayer!

Lucifer: No, I was inferring that you are a cock sucker.

Jesus: Dad, Lucifer is calling me names again. Raise your arm to the square and command him to depart.

Lucifer: By what authority? Never mind, I’ll just leave. I don’t want any part of your magic underwear. Do not use my name in association with any of these things. I’ll just take my black apron and play in a different sandbox while Mr. H. Christ plays with his nipples. (Lucifer dramatically storms out of the meeting, doves fly away as he leaves)

Jesus: Don’t listen to Lucifer, he does not see things through spiritual eyes. He would rather gain light and knowledge through books, than through singing your praises. Hosanna, to the most high!

HF: Jesus, send Peter, James and John to visit the seamstress, without disclosing their identity. Have them gather pricing for mock ups. Have them return and bring me word.

Jesus: Thy will be done!

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