Meeting Minutes (Part III): Pre-Mortal Planning Session
of Flesh --Rescheduled--
Attendees: Lucifer, Jesus, Heavenly Father
Lucifer: Is he showing up? This is his meeting.
Jesus: Our father will not forsake us. He probably is just answering prayers.
Lucifer: I’m just saying it is rude to call a meeting and be late. Basically, he is saying his time is more valuable than our time. You know what, you should summon him.
Jesus: How do you summon the father?
Lucifer: It’s easy, you turn the lights off and look in a mirror. Then you raise both hands high above the head, and while lowering the hands repeating three times the words: Oh God, hear the words of my mouth! Oh God, Hear the words of my mouth! Oh God, hear the words of my mouth!
Jesus: Wow that will make him appear? That’s neat and a little spooky, at least the part where you have to stand in the dark.
Lucifer: I thought you already knew about summoning the father. I know I have heard in the bathroom each morning rustling around and panting “Oh God” over and over again. I thought you were summoning the father, but I guess you were just working on the old “patriarchal grip”.
Jesus: I’m was just . . . ahhh . . . “praying” in the bathroom.
Lucifer: Oh, that is what you call it, “praying”. Do you ever “pray” with your friends, or just by yourself in the bathroom?
Jesus: I pray with my friends all the time. Sometimes, Peter, James, and John and I will just stand in a circle and pray.
Lucifer: So you form a “prayer circle” and perform the true order “prayer.” Do you look your friends in the eyes while you pray? Who prays the fasted?
Jesus: Peter is the fastest, I have seen him finish praying three times before the cock crows. Sometimes John will pray for like 20 minutes but never finish and he just gives up.
Lucifer: Do you ever reach over and help John out, you know, encourage him to “pray harder”?
Jesus: Of course, what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t lend him a hand in his time of need.
Lucifer: Speaking of time of need, I need to get going and don’t want to waste my time waiting for El Jefe.
Jesus: I’ll try summoning him. (looks into the mirror and makes sign of the Second Token of the Melchizedek Priesthood, the Patriarchal Grip, or Sure Sign of the Nail).
Lucifer: (holding back laughter) Well?
Jesus: Nothing happened.
Lucifer: Try saying “Pay Lay Ale” this time and lower those arms with passion.
Jesus: (raises hands high above the head, and lowers the hands with passion) Pay lay ale, Pay lay ale, Pay lay ale!
Heavenly Father [HF]: You summoned?
Lucifer: Oh shit, it worked (engages in loud laughter).
Jesus: Daddy! I knew you would come. Lucifer wanted to leave the meeting early, but I knew you would not forsake us.
HF: Sorry, I over slept. I’m exhausted, last night didn’t go well. I was spending the night with wife number 1337, but when I tried a 69, I got 86ed because she said I still smelt like 420; she threatened to 187 my ass.
Lucifer: Hold on, were you smoking weed?
HF: No, I smelt like heavenly wife 420, she eats a lot of curry and it just lingers in the robe. But that does remind me of this one time, when I went to the lone and dreary Telestial World for my best friend’s bachelor party. We smoked some purple skunk and went to a club where women did not conceal their nakedness behind aprons made of fig leaves. When I came back home, my robe of the holy priesthood was still on my left shoulder, my cap had the bow over the right ear, and I had lost my apron and one of my slippers. I think about 1,500 of my heavenly wives flipped their shit that night.
Lucifer: Whoa, after hearing that story, you just moved up a notch my book.
Lucifer: No, not my book as in the Necronomicon, “my book” as in the common idiom. Just shut up and let the adults talk. Anyway, I have heard there is some crazy goings on in that Telestial World.
HF: Oh yeah, you can buy anything in that world for money; always take sufficient for your needs. Remember, the Telestial World is like Vegas, you don’t take christened funds like rent payments, or tithes and offerings. I prefer to go with cash, so the wives can’t tell what I’ve been spending.
Lucifer: I don’t know how you deal with that many wives.
HF: You know, eternal marriage and celestial sex look great on paper, but the heavenly wives that make it to the celestial kingdom are only into fulfilling the measure of their creation and being eternally pregnant. No funny business allowed, the celestial sex becomes very clinical and I just feel like a piece of meat donating my seed. Sometimes, I just wish I could go back to those days with my buddies and have a good old fashion “prayer circle.” . . . But, its great and I love all my wives and children; they are the best property to invest in.
Lucifer: You know, your view of women and children as property is barbaric. You just went back down a notch in my book with your un-enlightened views.
Jesus: Dad’s views are not un-enlightened. He is omniscient and omnipotent. You just won’t let the Holy Spirit of Testimony pierce your hardened heart.
Lucifer: Okay, okay. Are we still doing the meeting?
HF: No, we will reschedule for tomorrow.
Jesus: Ah shucks, that’s like 1,000 earth years away.
Lucifer: Well, time is relative.
Jesus: Just like our heavenly family is relative (chuckles).
Lucifer: Again with the fucking puns. I’m out. (Lucifer leaves).
Jesus: Dad, do you have a minute to talk about your wonderful plan of salvation?
HF: You know what, write down all your questions and we will talk later. I think I am being summoned somewhere else. (HF leaves).