Meeting Minutes Part IV: Pre-Mortal Planning Session
Subject: Tabernacles of Flesh
Attendees: Lucifer, Jesus, Heavenly Father
Heavenly Father [HF]: Sorry about missing last meeting. Luckily, our pre-mortal schedule is pretty flexible, so we should be okay. Today, we are going to work on the finishes for the fleshy tabernacles for the human soul, also known as the body. I am pretty pleased with the outcome, what are your thoughts?
Jesus: I think they are epitome of perfect design. You have outdone yourself again, dad.
Lucifer: I think the concept is pretty good too; it seems like a copy and paste job from the other worlds heretofore created.
HF: It is well. Then I guess this meeting will be adjourned.
Lucifer: Hold on, I do have a few little issues that may ease some suffering down the road.
Jesus: I hate suffering!
Lucifer: Yikes, you should read up on your role in this plan of salvation.
HF: What are your concerns?
Lucifer: I’ll start with the internal issues. The operating system is extremely unstable. Consciousness 98 was a good system and Consciousness XP was really stable. This new Consciousness Vista is a mess; it is like paranoia and anxiety are built into the system. Moreover, this system will be open to all sorts of viruses and errors.
HF: The program was kinda rushed out because the competitor was releasing a new operating system.
Lucifer: That other operating systems is pretty much virus free. Life will be pretty tough for these people without the anxiety and paranoia caused by this operating system; I think anything we can do to help them should be done.
HF: But the upfront expenditure of switching operating systems is cost prohibitive. Plus, we are a Consciousness family. All the errors and virus won’t be that bad, we can just tell the people they are punishments for behaviors or trials from on high.
Lucifer: You are the king of spin. Okay, let’s move from the operating system and look at the organs. Why was the appendix included, it has no practical purpose? What intelligent designer would add a useless organ?
HF: I didn’t see that. Must have been copied and pasted right in there. It’s kind of a standard boilerplate appendage. We can leave it.
Lucifer: Leave it? It serves no purpose, but will get infect, rupture and kill people.
HF: People can get an appendectomy and will be fine.
Lucifer: That technology won’t be around for the first 6,000 years of the human race. Millions of people will die from appendicitis before they even know what it is.
HF: Well, you can’t save them all.
Jesus: I can, if they accept me in their hearts!
Lucifer: What about the tailbone? People will believe, and for great reason, that they evolved from a common ancestor of primates. The tailbone’s product warning label specifically says do not install without a tail, will cause extreme pain if impacted without a tail.
HF: I have fallen on my tailbone; hurt like hell. I couldn’t even standup without being in pain. It was awful.
Jesus: I hate pain! I try to avoid it at all costs.
Lucifer: Jesus, when you say shit like that, it makes me think you haven’t studied father’s plan.
Jesus: I don’t need to study his plan. The Holy Spirit of Confirmation has confirmed in my heart that he has the one true plan.
HF: Like I have always said, if you have any questions about my plan, ye should ask me with a sincere heart whether it is not true. If you so do, I will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.
Lucifer: That is confusing, are you saying you will confirm the truth of it being not true?
HF: Semantics, it’s a fine plan and the tailbone stays. Any other issues?
Lucifer: Does it matter? You won’t change anything anyway; everything is perfect if you did it. I know it is a lost cause, but I do think we should up the warranty on the women’s bodies.
Jesus: They have a warranty for normal wear and tear equal to men. Dad loves all his children equally, but some more equally than others (smirks at Lucifer).
Lucifer: You tell humans multiply and replenish the earth. Women’s bodies certainly take the brunt of that job, and all of that extra pregnancy wear on the body is not covered by warranty. After a few kids, it will be almost impossible for a woman’s body to bounce back. The poor woman’s breast will be become monuments of what was once the pinnacle of creation. A man’s work in the creation process is pretty much done after the first day and women have to gain the weight, carry the parasite for months, and fight all the hormone battles. Seems unfair and that we should even the playing field by providing an improved warranty.
HF: Some men will gain sympathy weight.
Lucifer: I’m just saying you should extend the warranty on the women’s parts and pieces if you are expecting so much from them. I mean, look at a man’s penis; it has a life time warranty and comes with cool skin carrying case to protect it.
Jesus: They sure are great. I could look at them for hours.
Lucifer: What the fuck? You don’t cut the tips off dicks! That is like human design 101. I mean, why put it on if you are just going to have it cut off?
Jesus: Dad, I’m confused. You said nobody should touch me on my little factory.
HF: It is not a big deal and if you don’t do it looks funny, like an anteater or something. And if it gets messed up, we can fix in the resurrection.
Jesus: Everybody will be resurrected and we will all have perfect bodies.
Lucifer: If it gets messed up? We are talking about genital mutilation here and you are saying it will be fine in the resurrection? Why not just not include the skin carrying case and avoid the whole knife by the dick episode?
HF: You worry too much. It will all work itself out in my plan.
Lucifer: I have my doubts about any plan that involves cutting the tips off dicks. What if there is plan were we can go through motions of getting a body, avoiding the needless pain, suffering, and dick tip cutting and still get back to heaven.
HF: Plan your work, and work you plan. We already have a plan in place and I am not changing it because you get a little squeamish when it comes to dick tips. This meeting is over. The human design and operating system is complete.
Lucifer: You did not go into these details when you presented your plan to your spirit children. You just said, we will go to earth, get bodies, and Jesus will save us. These are some big details you are leaving out.
HF: Nobody likes to know how the sausage is made, but everybody loves eating it.
Jesus: I do love a big piece of sausage in my mouth.
Lucifer: You make it too easy, Jesus. Father, if you don’t make some changes to your little plan, -- like not cutting tips off dicks, for one -- I am going propose my own plan to the spirit children pursuant to Heavens Code Section 7.666. I am getting tired of this dictatorship. (Lucifer storms out).
Jesus: I suggested you spend some time on your knee and praying so you can know the beauty of this perfect plan.
HF: Someday he will understand the plan. (leaves the room)