Subject: Gospel Distribution Plan
Attendees: Heavenly Father, Jesus, Lucifer
Heavenly Father [HF]: Today we will discuss my work and my glory, to bring to past the immortality and eternal life of man.
Lucifer: You could just give people immortality and eternal life.
Jesus: That would go against the plan; people need to earn these blessings.
HF: Actually, I am giving people immortality. Everybody born will be resurrected; however, only the people who choose to keep my commandments and have the required ordinances will be given eternal life.
Jesus: Eternal Life is the opportunity to live with the father forever.
Lucifer: Seems like mixed motivation to me.
HF: I actually have three plans that disseminate the gospel and ordinances. I am excited about all of them and think they will all help reach my goal.
Lucifer: I have reviewed your plans and think that all three are inadequate ways to disseminate your message. None of the plans provide a majority of people an opportunity to even know your commandments or have access to your ordinances. Plus, your so called “gospel” lacks nuance, and tries to shoe horn the whole world into pre-set forms.
HF: Each of my plans will effectively pass along the commandments and ordinances necessary for salvation. I think you get too hung up in the details.
Lucifer: Some people say I am in the details . . . I am sure that will never be said about you.
HF: My first plan will have Adam teach the gospel to his children. Here is the catch, not only will he teach the gospel to his children, he will give them the authority to teach it to their children and neighbors. The gospel will trickle down to the entire world.
Jesus: It will be like a gospel pyramid.
HF: I call it a multi-level gospel.
Lucifer: That plan is unsustainable. Each time the message is passed down a generation, it will change and confusion will set in. Even if Adam lives to be 900 years old, which is physically impossible based on your body design, the message will be lost by year 1,000.
HF: I think you are wrong, but I have prepared for such a contingency. If the message gets lost, I will use my celestial do-over.
Jesus: If you are perfect, why would you need a do-over?
Lucifer: Jesus, I am impressed with your questions. Answer that one.
HF: It is not a do-over it is a “celestial” do-over. While I am perfect, the people can choose unrighteousness. It is not a stain on my robe, if they choose poorly.
Lucifer: Not even if you don’t provide everybody a fair chance to choose with adequate information?
HF: You need to stop thinking so much and have faith, it will all work out in the end.
Lucifer: Well, what is this “celestial do-over”?
HF: It is simple, I will just flood the earth and start over with one family.
Lucifer: By flood the earth, you are saying that you will murder innocent women and children because they don’t choose your gospel, regardless of whether they had a fair opportunity to hear it? That is beyond murder, that is genocide.
HF: False, it is not even murder. Murder is the killing of a human being by another human being with malice aforethought. I am technically not a human being, so I cannot commit murder.
Lucifer: Then I guess you get off on a technicality. Regardless, if people aren't accepting your message, it might not be the people that are the problems. Maybe it is a message.
Jesus: Father’s message is perfect. It tells his children that can all be saved by complete obedience to his commandments.
HF: Lucifer, you are over thinking this. A great flood has been used on other worlds hereto for created. If I need to do the celestial do-over, my next distribution plan will take a different angle. Instead of giving the gospel to one person to pass along, I will give it an entire tribe!
Jesus: Hosanna to the most high! You plan is wonderful. What tribe shall be honored to carry the gospel to the world!
HF: I am thinking of choosing a wandering people in the Middle East.
Lucifer: What about everybody else in the world? Asia and Africa? Seems like only giving one tribe the information required to get eternal life is a horrible plan.
HF: Just think how special that tribe will feel. I bet all the other groups of people will treat them with the utmost respect knowing they have the only true key to happiness.
Lucifer: Either that, or thinking they are chosen will cause resentment from the other tribes. I think this tribe idea is really bad.
HF: Eventually, the tribe will draw near to me with their lips, but not hearts. At that time, I will send the savior of the world.
Jesus: That’s me, but how can you ensure that I am born at the right time.
HF: We are stilling working on it, but I think I will probably go to earth and have sex with a teenage girl.
Lucifer: I don’t think you should be having sex with teenage girls. Teenage boys have sex with teenage girls, not ageless gods with thousands of heavenly wives.
Jesus: Dad, what is sex?
HF: You don’t know?
Lucifer: Of course he doesn't know, you try to keep everybody as innocent as children and refuse to talk to people like adults.
HF: In order to return to me, people must be like a child: submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which I seeth fit to inflict upon them, even as a child doth submit to his father, which I am.
Lucifer: That is fucked up. You should want your children to learn and grow and become independent.
HF: Lucifer, that is enough. Jesus, I will tell you about sex soon. It deals with your little factory and is part of why I tell you not to tug on it so much.
Jesus: Okay, but I really have a lot of questions.
HF: Let’s get back to the distribution plan.
Jesus: So, when I am on earth, I will teach the gospel to the entire world and make sure everybody knows the steps they will need to follow to be saved! I will be a perfect example!
HF: No, your job will be to teach that one tribe my rules again and yada yada yada make sure people can have immortality and eternal life. After you pass away from your physical state, my true gospel will remain on the earth for a few more years.
Jesus: Sounds wonderful dad!
Lucifer: Jesus, I think you need to look into that “yada yada yada.” He is skipping some gruesome details on how you “pass away” and take upon you the sins of the world. It will be a bitter cup you have to drink down on earth.
Jesus: Bitter, like drinking water out of an aluminum water bottle?
Lucifer: A little bit worse that than that.
HF: Let’s not talk about that now. The key is that the savior, Jesus, will be born and the gospel will remain on the earth for up to 30 years after his death.
Lucifer: So you bang a teenager, create the savior of the world, and then your gospel is off the earth a few years after he dies? Again, this is a failed distribution plan, not to mention the fact that you are requiring your son to be tortured. Here is my question, how will the people living on earth after Jesus be able to obtain eternal life if your gospel isn't even on the earth a few years after Jesus’ life ends? You will be judging them against a standard they don’t even know exists.
HF: Ahhh, that is where Plan 3 comes in. After about 1,600 years, I’ll restore the teachings to a farm boy in America.
Lucifer: What? That is millions of people who will never have access to the so-called saving ordinances because they are not even available on the earth. How is that fair to those people living? The fix is in and those people don’t have a shot.
HF: The fix isn’t in. Think of the time without the gospel like the end of a concert. You might think it is over and the band forgot to play their best song, and then boom there is an encore and they start singing Kokomo with special guest star John Stamos. Same thing here, the Gospel will have an encore and be restored by a prophet!
Lucifer: So, the prophet is the John Stamos in your metaphor.
Jesus: I want to be the John Stamos in the plan.
HF: The role of savior is much bigger. Plus, you don’t fit the John Stamos type. I have somebody else in mind.
Lucifer: Based on your John Stamos plan, my calculations show that after a few hundred years, the gospel will be truly accepted by 5 million in a world of 7 Billion people. That is like a fart in a hurricane. There has to be a better way.
HF: I guess I can let people who die accept the gospel and have the ordinances after death, but only if somebody on earth does it for them as a proxy.
Lucifer: So, even if they accept your rules and lived good lives, you will not let them in unless they have the ordinances.
HF: Those are the rules.
Lucifer: They are dumb rules and little arbitrary when access isn't permitted in one’s life. You made the rules and you can change them. Why not let people into heaven regardless of whether they were baptized. So long as you tried hard, you get into heaven.
HF: That would diminish the purpose of the atonement.
Lucifer: The idea of the atonement is ridiculous. You have arbitrarily said that nobody can live with you if they have sinned. Everybody sins! The only way to get out of sin is to pay a price for that sin. The only price you will take for that sin is the blood of your son? Why not come up with a different price? How about you require a man to rake his neighbor’s leaves every 100 times he masturbates? You can choose whatever price you want, but choosing your son’s blood is beyond fucked up.
HF: So everybody would have to pay their own way?
Lucifer: Everybody pays their own way, if they don’t want to go to heaven, they don’t have to pay. Why require somebody who is not at fault to take the fall? It seems unethical to permit an innocent person to take the punishment for somebody else’s sins. Killing an innocent person is the centerpiece of your plan!
HF: The scapegoat protocol, or as I call it the atonement, has always been a law of heaven. How about a compromise, if you die before you are 8 years old, you get into heaven automatically. That’s fair right?
Lucifer: So you are telling people it is better to die before turning 8 than to live the rest of their lives. Plus, this system will ensure that heaven is full of babies from the poorest civilizations with the highest birth mortality rates. Why not just stay, love your neighbor and don’t be a dick. If you are a dick, apologize and try to be less of a dick.
Jesus: Love your neighbor, that’s pretty clever Lucifer. I might use that on earth.
Lucifer: Jesus, don’t go. Earth will not be good for you. It certainly won’t end well.
Jesus: I will do as my father requires. I know his plan is true!
HF: Great! This is the way the plan must be, for if I were to let everybody into heaven, it would get a little crowded and may get noisy. I think the fewer the people the better.
Lucifer: I thought you said your work and glory was to give people eternal life?
HF: Well, that is my work. We all have jobs we have to do. My glory is to relax in a nice quiet location.
Lucifer: I am glad you take your “work” seriously enough to come up with half-assed plan.
Jesus: His plan is full-assed. He never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it!
Lucifer: Nobody has ever said that. This meeting is over.
HF: Meeting adjourned.