Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Meeting Minutes (Part I): Pre-mortal life planning session (Security)

Attendees: Heavenly Father, Jesus, Lucifer
Date: Pre-creation
Subject: Celestial Security

Heavenly Father [HF]: We need to set the passwords to get into heaven.

Jesus: I think we should have 2 passwords.

HF: I was thinking three. The first one will be static, the second one will variable, and the third will probably be static.

Jesus: Not my will but thine, three passwords it is. How do we prevent demons without bodies from getting in if they know the passwords? We will be demon-spammed to death if the passwords get out.

HF: Good point, that is why you are my number one.

Jesus: Thanks dad.

HF: How about we require handshakes too? As you know, a spirit cannot shake hands.

Jesus: Handshakes and passwords, great idea dad!

Lucifer: Why don’t you guys just blow each other already?

Jesus: Dad, Lucifer is being mean.

HF: Jesus, you know Lucifer is just trying to get a reaction. When you react, he wins. If you ignore him, he shall have no power over you and he will leave you alone. While his comments may bruise thy heal, ignoring him will crush his head. So, let’s get back to the passwords.

Jesus: Can the first one be named after me?

HF: Sure, it will be the “Son”

Jesus: Thanks dad!

Lucifer: Really, the Son? That seems a little simple for a password, do you want some numbers or something for added security?

Jesus: I think dad’s idea is great just the way it is.

Lucifer: The yes-man agrees with the boss, big surprise.

HF: The second password will be a name based on the day of the month. On the first day, we can use something like Timothy for men and Ruth for women. The second day we can use Jesse for men and Eunice for women. So on and so forth. Jesus, your job is to come up with the rest of the names.

Jesus: Thy will be done! I think Peter, Job, Barnabas, Ruth, Naomi would all be great names.

Lucifer: (under his breath) What a nimrod.

Jesus: Nimrod is a great name, I’ll put that name on the 18th.

Lucifer: Permit me to play the devil’s advocate here, the first password is the “Son”, the second password is a name designated for a specific day, doesn’t this seem like a pretty easy code to crack? After the first month, the passwords will be common knowledge. At least make the last password 8-12 characters long.

HF: Fine, I’ll make the final password longer than the others. How about “heaven”?

Lucifer: That’s 7 characters, and a little obvious.

HF: You know Lucifer, you just keep on pushing. Why can’t you be more like thy brother and not feel like you have to fight everything I say.

Jesus: Yea!

Lucifer: Zip it Jebus. I just think a longer password would make sense if we are truly worried about the security of heaven.

HF: Fine, if you want a longer password, here is your longer password: “Health in the navel, marrow in the bones, strength in the loins and in the sinews, power in the Priesthood be upon me, and upon my posterity through all generations of time, and throughout all eternity.”

Lucifer: That is not a password, that is a chant!

HF: “Oh God, hear the words of my mouth" is chant. Whatever I said just said is the fucking password! End of conversation.

Lucifer: If you can’t remember the password, how are the people going to remember it?

HF: If they forget it, then the person bringing them to the veil will tell them what to say so they get it right.

Lucifer: So you have somebody there to tell people the password if they don’t know it? Then what is the point of the passwords?

HF: It is easy to criticize when you are not in charge. Do you have a better plan?

Lucifer: Let’s cut out all the shit and just let people come to heaven and find their own happiness. There is not a scarcity of resources in heaven, so it will be a great place to live.

HF: If I just let all my children in heaven, then what is the point of sending Jesus to the earth to be tortured and killed?

Jesus: Wait, what?

Lucifer: There is no point, that is kind of what I have been saying. The whole plan is kind of a mess.

Jesus: No Lucifer, your plan is a mess. Dad knows best! I will go and do whatever he commands, hooray!

Lucifer: FML, I’m out. (Lucifer leaves the room)

HF: (shaking his head while talking to Jesus) That Lucifer is as stubborn as his heavenly mother. When I was sealed to her on my home planet she was a nice submissive 14 year girl, but wow that changed after she finished puberty. I digress. Jesus, return and report in 1 week with the names for the second level of passwords, okay. Bring in Michael on this project if you think you need help.

Jesus: Thy will be done. I will go and work with Michael to form the names for the second level of passwords. I will return and report next week.

HF: Great. Tomorrow we will work on the underwear design.

Jesus: I’m so excited!

HF: Spoiler alert, they will be ill fitting and there will be a mesh option.

Jesus: You’re the best. (Jesus exits)


  1. The first password is actually the first name of the person.. The son is the third pass word and the long one is the 4th.

    1. Good catch, it has been awhile since I went to the temple. I figure the name of the person would be more like a user name in this scenario.

  2. I loved this. Especially this part:

    HF: If I just let all my children in heaven, then what is the point of sending Jesus to the earth to be tortured and killed?
    Jesus: Wait, what?

  3. Zip it, Jebus. I just about lost it there and this is my third time reading. I love you.