Subject: Gospel Distribution Plan
Attendees: Heavenly Father, Jesus, Lucifer
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Heavenly Father [HF]: Today we will discuss my work and my glory,
to bring to past the immortality and eternal life of man.
Lucifer: You could just give people immortality and
eternal life.
Jesus: That would go against the plan; people need
to earn these blessings.
HF: Actually, I am giving people
immortality. Everybody born will be
resurrected; however, only the people who choose to keep my commandments and
have the required ordinances will be given eternal life.
Jesus: Eternal Life is the opportunity to live with the
father forever.
Lucifer: Seems like mixed motivation to me.
HF: I actually have three plans that disseminate the
gospel and ordinances. I am excited
about all of them and think they will all help reach my goal.
Lucifer: I have reviewed your plans and think that all
three are inadequate ways to disseminate your message. None of the plans provide a majority of people an
opportunity to even know your commandments or have access to your ordinances. Plus, your so called “gospel” lacks nuance,
and tries to shoe horn the whole world into pre-set forms.
HF: Each of my plans will effectively pass along
the commandments and ordinances necessary for salvation. I think you get too hung up in the details.
Lucifer: Some people
say I am in the details . . . I am sure that will never be said about you.
HF: My first plan will have Adam teach the gospel
to his children. Here is the catch, not
only will he teach the gospel to his children, he will give them the authority
to teach it to their children and neighbors.
The gospel will trickle down to the entire world.
Jesus: It will be like a gospel pyramid.
HF: I call it a multi-level gospel.
Lucifer: That plan is unsustainable. Each time the message is passed down a
generation, it will change and confusion will set in. Even if Adam lives to be
900 years old, which is physically impossible based on your body design, the message will be lost by year
1,000.
HF: I think you are wrong, but I have prepared
for such a contingency. If the message
gets lost, I will use my celestial do-over.
Jesus: If you are perfect, why would you need a
do-over?
Lucifer: Jesus, I am impressed with your
questions. Answer that one.
HF: It is not a do-over it is a “celestial”
do-over. While I am perfect, the people can
choose unrighteousness. It is not a
stain on my robe, if they choose poorly.
Lucifer: Not even if you don’t provide everybody a
fair chance to choose with adequate information?
HF: You need to stop thinking so much and have faith, it will all work out in the end.
Lucifer: Well, what is this “celestial do-over”?
HF: It is simple, I will just flood the earth and
start over with one family.
Lucifer: By flood the earth, you are saying that you
will murder innocent women and children because they don’t choose your gospel,
regardless of whether they had a fair opportunity to hear it?
That is beyond murder, that is genocide.
HF: False, it is not even murder. Murder is the killing of a human being by
another human being with malice aforethought.
I am technically not a human being, so I cannot commit murder. Lucifer: Then I guess you get off on a technicality. Regardless, if people aren't accepting your message, it might not be the people that are the problems. Maybe it is a message.
Jesus: Father’s message is perfect. It tells his children that can all be saved
by complete obedience to his commandments.
HF: Lucifer, you are over thinking this. A great flood has been used on other worlds
hereto for created. If I need to do the
celestial do-over, my next distribution plan will take a different angle. Instead of giving the gospel to one person to
pass along, I will give it an entire tribe!
Jesus: Hosanna to the most high! You plan is
wonderful. What tribe shall be honored
to carry the gospel to the world!
HF: I am thinking of choosing a wandering people
in the Middle East.
Lucifer: What about everybody else in the world? Asia
and Africa? Seems like only giving one
tribe the information required to get eternal life is a horrible plan.
HF: Just think how special that tribe will
feel. I bet all the other groups of
people will treat them with the utmost respect knowing they have the only true
key to happiness.
Lucifer: Either that, or thinking they are chosen will cause resentment from the other tribes. I think this tribe idea is really bad.
HF: Eventually, the tribe will draw near to me
with their lips, but not hearts. At that
time, I will send the savior of the world.
Jesus: That’s me, but how can you ensure that I am
born at the right time.
HF: We are stilling working on it, but I think I
will probably go to earth and have sex with a teenage girl.
Lucifer: I don’t think you should be having sex with
teenage girls. Teenage boys have sex
with teenage girls, not ageless gods with thousands of heavenly wives.
Jesus: Dad, what is sex?
HF: You don’t know?
Lucifer: Of course he doesn't know, you try to keep
everybody as innocent as children and refuse to talk to people like adults.
HF: In order to return to me, people must be like
a child: submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to
all things which I seeth fit to inflict upon them, even as a child doth
submit to his father, which I am.
Lucifer: That is fucked up. You should want your children to learn and
grow and become independent.
HF: Lucifer, that is enough. Jesus, I will tell you about sex soon. It deals with your little factory and is part
of why I tell you not to tug on it so much.
Jesus: Okay, but I really have a lot of questions.
HF: Let’s get back to the distribution plan.
Jesus: So, when I am on earth, I will
teach the gospel to the entire world and make sure everybody knows the steps
they will need to follow to be saved! I
will be a perfect example!
HF: No, your job will be to teach that one tribe
my rules again and yada yada yada make sure people can have immortality and
eternal life. After you pass away from
your physical state, my true gospel will remain on the earth for a few more years.
Jesus: Sounds wonderful dad!
Lucifer: Jesus, I think you need to look into that “yada
yada yada.” He is skipping some gruesome
details on how you “pass away” and take
upon you the sins of the world. It will
be a bitter cup you have to drink down on earth.
Jesus: Bitter, like drinking water out of an aluminum
water bottle?
Lucifer: A little bit worse that than that.
HF: Let’s not talk about that now. The key is that the savior, Jesus, will be
born and the gospel will remain on the earth for up to 30 years after his
death.
Lucifer: So you bang a teenager, create the savior of
the world, and then your gospel is off the earth a few years after he dies? Again, this is a failed distribution plan, not
to mention the fact that you are requiring your son to be tortured. Here is my question, how will the people
living on earth after Jesus be able to obtain eternal life if your gospel isn't even on the earth a few years after Jesus’ life ends? You will be judging them against a standard
they don’t even know exists.
HF: Ahhh, that is where Plan 3 comes in. After about 1,600 years, I’ll restore the
teachings to a farm boy in America.
Lucifer: What?
That is millions of people who will never have access to the so-called saving
ordinances because they are not even available on the earth. How is that fair to those people living? The fix is in and those people don’t have a
shot.
HF: The fix isn’t in. Think of the time without the gospel like
the end of a concert. You might think it
is over and the band forgot to play their best song, and then boom there is an
encore and they start singing Kokomo with special guest star John Stamos. Same thing here, the Gospel will have an
encore and be restored by a prophet!
Lucifer: So, the prophet is the John Stamos in your metaphor.
Jesus: I want to be the John Stamos in the plan.
HF: The role of savior is much bigger. Plus, you don’t fit the John Stamos type. I have somebody else in mind.
Lucifer: Based on your John Stamos plan, my
calculations show that after a few hundred years, the gospel will be truly
accepted by 5 million in a world of 7 Billion people. That is like a fart in a hurricane. There has to be a better way.
HF: I guess I can let people who die accept the
gospel and have the ordinances after death, but only if somebody on earth does
it for them as a proxy.
Lucifer: So, even if they accept your rules and lived
good lives, you will not let them in unless they have the ordinances.
HF: Those are the rules.
Lucifer: They are dumb rules and little arbitrary when
access isn't permitted in one’s life.
You made the rules and you can change them. Why not let people into heaven regardless of
whether they were baptized. So long as
you tried hard, you get into heaven.
HF: That would diminish the purpose of the
atonement.
Lucifer: The idea of the atonement is ridiculous. You have arbitrarily said that nobody can
live with you if they have sinned.
Everybody sins! The only way to
get out of sin is to pay a price for that sin. The only price you will take for
that sin is the blood of your son? Why
not come up with a different price? How about you require a man to rake his neighbor’s
leaves every 100 times he masturbates?
You can choose whatever price you want, but choosing your son’s blood is
beyond fucked up.
HF: So everybody
would have to pay their own way?
Lucifer: Everybody pays their own way, if they don’t
want to go to heaven, they don’t have to pay.
Why require somebody who is not at fault to take the fall? It seems unethical to permit an innocent
person to take the punishment for somebody else’s sins. Killing an innocent person is the centerpiece
of your plan!
Lucifer: So you are telling people it is better to die
before turning 8 than to live the rest of their lives. Plus, this system will ensure that heaven is
full of babies from the poorest civilizations with the highest birth mortality
rates. Why not just stay, love your
neighbor and don’t be a dick. If you are
a dick, apologize and try to be less of a dick.
Jesus: Love your neighbor, that’s pretty clever
Lucifer. I might use that on earth.
Lucifer: Jesus, don’t go. Earth will not be good for you. It certainly won’t end well.
Jesus: I will do as my father requires. I know his plan is true!
HF: Great!
This is the way the plan must be, for if I were to let everybody into
heaven, it would get a little crowded and may get noisy. I think the fewer the people the better.
Lucifer: I thought you said your work and glory was to
give people eternal life?
HF: Well, that is my work. We all have jobs we have to do. My glory is to relax in a nice quiet
location.
Lucifer: I am glad you take your “work” seriously
enough to come up with half-assed plan.
Jesus: His plan is full-assed. He never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it!
Lucifer: Nobody has ever said that. This meeting is over.
HF: Meeting adjourned.
