Friday, August 1, 2014

Meeting Minutes (Part VIII): Emergency Planning Session (The Lilith Issue)

Subject:  Emergency Meeting re: the Lilith Issue  

Date:  Pre-Creation  

Attendees: Heavenly Father, Jesus, Lucifer


Heavenly Father[HF]:  Good morning. I know it is early, but thanks for getting to this emergency meeting on such short notice. 

Lucifer:  I brought some coffee and donuts if anybody wants some.  It is delicious to the taste and very desirable.   

Jesus:  I will not partake of that coffee.  Father told me that in the day I should partake of it I should surely die.

Lucifer: You shall not surely die but shall be as the Gods . . . awake and most likely feeling like you need to take a shit.

Jesus:  I will not partake of it.

Lucifer:   Oh you will not? Well, we shall see.  After this meeting drones on for a few hours you will be begging for a cup.

HF: We don’t have time for this.  As you have heard, there is an uprising beginning to swell in the ranks of the spirit children.  We need to act fast to put a stop to it.

Jesus: What caused the uprising?

HF:  Apparently, some of the meeting minutes were leaked to the spirit children.  Even worse, the creation script was leaked.  This is bad. 

Lucifer:  Why is it bad that the spirit children know what they are in for? Why were you hiding the information in the first place?

HF: The spirit children were not ready for the whole truth about mortal life.  If they had all the information then they might get deceived and not want to go through with the plan.  

Lucifer:  Isn’t all truth important and shouldn’t what facts are important be a decision made by the spirit children, not the person controlling the information? 

HF: Somethings that are true are not very useful.  I have nothing to hide, but I don’t want my spirit children to get confused with too much information or information not in the proper context.  I am doing it for their own good.

Lucifer:  How benevolent! 

Jesus:  Praise be to the most high God! Hosanna Hosanna (waiving a white rag over his head)

Lucifer:  What the fuck are you doing?

Jesus:  I am praising our benevolent God with the Hosanna shout!

Lucifer:  Wow, I was being sarcastic when I called him benevolent. 

Jesus: Not that much, what have you heard?  It was just one time and it just kind of happened.   John the Beloved got out of the shower and one thing led to  ...

Lucifer:  Stop!  I don’t care whose salad you have been tossing, I was just saying you were being a brown nosing suck up.  And please, don’t tell me about who you “accidentally” sucked up as that is not my business . . . but I bet it was Peter's peter.

HF:  Enough, we need to stop the leak and go into damage control mode. 

Jesus:  What information do they have?

HF:  I have heard from my underground investigators that they know about women being property, circumcision requirements, and the creation story.

Lucifer:  Since when did you have underground investigators?

HF:  They are not really investigators, it is just a committee I formed to monitor my spirit children and let me know when they are going astray.

Lucifer:  You created a spy ring on your own children?

HF:  They are not spies; it is a committee to strengthen the spirits. 

Lucifer:  What kind of dictatorship are you running? 

HF:  I am doing what I have to do to protect my spirits. Regardless, a growing number of female spirits are getting upset.

Jesus:  Father, why would they be upset?  They must not understand your wonderful plan of happiness.

HF:  You are right, they don’t understand the plan.  From the leaked information, my spirit daughters are upset that they are considered property and will be responsible for bringing sin and evil to the earth.   

Lucifer:  I told you that whole Adam and Eve plan was a bad idea.  It reads like a late night movie on Cinemax.  The only decent character in the story is the striking and well hung man in the black apron who was trying to teach the horny kids how to think straight. 

HF:  These misguided women are starting to organize a group and gather followers.  My informants advised me that Lilith is the ring leader who is causing all the problems.

Lucifer:  Check the meeting minutes!  Let the record reflect that I have told you many times that treating women like property was a messed up way of thinking and would lead to problems.

HF:  You don’t understand, women are so important and I love them so much that I don’t want them to have to worry their pretty little heads about anything besides having children. I am doing them a favor by limiting their responsibility and stress. 

Jesus:  Oh father, you are so kind! 

Lucifer:  Am I in a bizzarro world?  You are doing women a favor by treating them as property because the only thing they have to worry about is producing babies?  There are downsides of being property, like not having a voice in decisions.   

HF:  Lucifer, you don’t understand.  If women aren’t treated as property, before you know it, they are going to try and go to school and learn.  Once they start learning, they will want to make decisions.  Once they are permitted to make decisions, they will want to hold property, then they will want to vote.  I hate to say it, but not long after they are voting they will think they can be civic leaders.  After that, it is just a matter of time before they will want to be praying in public religious meetings.  It will never be enough for these women.  Soon they will want equal pay for equal work, wear pants to work and church, and think that they can communicate with me directly.  Lilith is disrupting  my eternal plan of happiness.

Jesus:  Crucify her!  Crucify her! Crucify her!

Lucifer:  Slow down and come back down to earth, Mr. Pilot. I am sure if Father just has a conversation with them a reasonable understanding will be reached.  Lilith is not asking for anything unreasonable like a free laptop.  She just doesn't see how treating women as chattel is really required in the plan. 

HF: If I talk to her, I give her position legitimacy.  Maybe I could have Eve send out a press release saying she supports my plan and these “other women” are just some fringe group.  Better yet, I am going to cast Lilith out and bar her from getting a tabernacle of flesh and condemn her to life as spirit with no chance at exaltation.  I will tell the women that because of Lilith, when they go to earth they will get crampy and gross every month to remind them that God is Great and what life would be like if they followed Lilith.

Lucifer:  A little heavy handed, don’t you think?  Causing women to bleed from one pore on a monthly basis as a reminder of you greatness is insane.  Not only that, I have a feeling that men are going to be collateral damage with that one. Please don’t do this.  I really think a conversation and addressing her concerns is the way to go.  Think of it his way, if you cast her out, you will make her a martyr for her cause.  It is a bad PR move, please just have a conversation.

HF:  My mind is made up.  I think this will blow over pretty quickly and my spirit children will fall in line.  Jesus, send down Peter, James, and John to visit Lilith without disclosing their identity.  Have them observe conditions generally and deliver this summons to Lilith.  Have them return and bring me work.

Jesus:  It shall be done. [Jesus exits with Heavenly Father]

Lucifer:  I thought I could do some good if I stayed part of this management group, but I don’t think I am helping at all.  I may have to resign.  I don’t know if I even want body.


  1. You are the Ex-Mormon version of William Shakespeare.. I like how you blend current events into the meeting minutes.

  2. Glad to see a semi-recent post! I hope you're not done yet, because these are awesome.