Meeting Minutes (Part VI): Pre-mortal Life Planning Session (Multiply and Replenish the Earth -- The Talk)

Subject:  Multiply and Replenish the Earth

Date:  Pre-creation

Attendees: Heavenly Father, Jesus, Lucifer
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Heavenly Father[HF]:  I have been fielding a lot of questions about how the tabernacles of flesh will populate the earth.   This is an important part of the plan and I will address it directly.  I expect both of you to be mature when we discuss this subject.

Jesus:  Thanks, dad.  I have been having a lot of confusion about this lately.

Lucifer:  I think your confusion runs deeper than what will be covered in this birds and bees talk.  I’m all ears.

HF:  In my plan, life will beget life.  The beasts, the fowls, the fishes, the insects, all creeping things, and other forms of animal life will multiply in their respective elements, each after its kind, so that every form of life may fill the measure of its creation, and have joy therein. 

Jesus:  So beast will beget beasts, and fish will beget fish, each in their respective elements.

HF:  That is the way it must be, for it is one of the laws of the eternities.

Lucifer: Hold on, if everything can only multiply in its respective element, then how are you making spirit children?  I mean, you are a resurrected being and the heavenly mothers are resurrected beings, why aren’t your children resurrected beings with bodies? I mean, how is a “spiritual being” the offspring of two resurrected beings partaking of the horizontal fruit of life?

HF:  Lucifer, don’t be crude.  Celestial coitus is sacred and not to be discussed in such a casual manner. 

Lucifer:  Sorry, how is a spiritual being the result of celestial coitus between two resurrected beings? 

Jesus:  Dad, what is celestial coitus?  And how do creatures multiply and replenish the earth?      

Lucifer:  Jesus, you don’t know what sex is? 

Jesus:  That is a naughty word!  Daddy told me to remain like a child and not talk about things like that.

Lucifer:  Jesus Christ, you need to grow up. 

HF:  Well Jesus, it is time I gave you the talk.  I will speak frankly like an adult, so you need to be mature. Each male body has little factory, one designed to produce the product that can generate life. 

Lucifer:  Two things: first, I don’t think calling the cock and balls a little factory is frank or direct communication. Second, don’t generalize the size of all men’s factories. 

HF:  Don’t interrupt.  The little factory moves quietly into operation as a normal and expected pattern of growth and begins to produce the life giving substance. It works very slowly. That is the way it should be. For the most part, unless you tamper with it, you will hardly be aware that it is working at all.  Sometimes the little factory will produce an oversupply of the life giving substance.

Lucifer:  Are you talking about semen?

Jesus:  What is semen?

Lucifer:  It is the life giving substance that Father is trying to speak about in a frank manner.  You know, that white and delightsome liquid . . . wink, wink.

Jesus:  White and delightsome!  Sounds delicious to the taste and quite desirable. 

HF:  You don’t drink it; it is not a desert wine.

Lucifer:  I will bet you the souls of a third of your spirit children that Jesus drinks it at least once.  He does have the gift of tongues according to John the Beloved.

HF: Enough, this life giving substance is not a joke. God will not be mocked.

Lucifer:  Sorry, you are right; I will control my loud laughter.  Please continue with your frank and honest talk about the little jizz factory.

HF: Thank you.  The little factory should not be tampered with.  In fact, the little factory has a way for the life giving substance to be released that will happen without any help.  As a tender mercy, one night you will have a dream and in the course of the dream the release valve that controls the factory will open and release all that is excess. 

Jesus:  So when I wake up in the morning and my robe is sticky, it is because of your tender mercies opening the release value to my factory.

Lucifer:  I think we have run with this metaphor long enough and it is starting to get creepy.

Jesus:  Father, I have learned a way to open the release valve while I am awake, which doesn’t require me to change my robe in the mornings!  It only takes a few minutes.

Lucifer:  I don’t need to know any more about your laying on of hands. 

HF:  Jesus, you must never tamper with the controls of the release value.  Never fondle yourself and open that release valve. For when you do it once, you will be tempted to do it again.  Manually opening the release value is one of the most heinous things you can do.

Jesus:  Oh no!  I am a bad spirit.

Lucifer:  No you aren’t.  Opening the release valve is not a big deal.  Everybody masturbates, even women.  The only difference is that when women do it, it is sexy as hell.   

HF:  Jesus, you are not a bad spirit because you didn’t know better as you are innocent as a child.  Going forward, thou shalt not tamper with your little factory. 

Lucifer:  Chill out, it is a victimless act, great stress reliever and sleep aid.

HF:  It may be a victimless act, but I consider it a sin.  The natural man is my enemy, and has been since the beginning of time.  Thus, I will take what is natural and make it a sin.  I shall forever have power over my children for they will have to look toward me for forgiveness for what they are doing.

Lucifer:  That is fucked up.  You are taking what is natural and making it evil for the sole purpose manipulating and controlling your children?  Who does that?  That is profoundly immoral and malevolent. 

HF:  No it is not.  I will use the feelings of guilt and shame to encourage positive behaviors and service.  Shame and guilt are great motivators and will help my children keep my other commandments. 

Lucifer:  I am speechless.  When you presented your great plan of salvation, you said people could choose to keep your commandments to show their love for you and to prove themselves.  Now, you are saying you plan on using guilt and shame to coerce people into following your commandments?  That is evil, even for the guy who wants to cut tips off dicks. 

Jesus:  Father, I think your plan is great and will lead to great works.  I still don’t understand how this life giving substance, which should be protected and saved, creates life.

HF:  Oh yes, back to the talk.  This little factory should only be used to deposit this life giving substance into a woman, with whom you are lawfully and spiritually wed.  The woman has an internal processing plant whereby this living giving material is accepted and will combine with the woman’s life giving material to form a child. 

Jesus:  So you put the little factory in the processing plant and create a life.  What a beautiful thing.

Lucifer:  I think you are underselling the woman’s processing plant, you know,  the holy of holies.  Plus, you completely ignored the intimacy and pleasure associated with sex.

HF:  There is a pleasure aspect to sex, but the true celestial purpose is to create life.

Lucifer:  Well, the pleasure aspect is a great side effect.  Plus, life creation isn’t a part of all sex, like oral or anal sex.

HF:  Both of those acts are an abomination to me.  Missionary style is the only heavenly sanctioned method of sex.  If that is all I can get, that is all my children should get.

Lucifer:  Whoa there, you only have missionary style sex with your thousands of spiritual wives!  Branch out.  Sometimes you have to give to receive, if you know what I mean.  There has to be more to heaven than just missionary style. 

HF:  My wives aren’t into that, for they know their eternal roles are to be continually pregnant and creating spiritual children.  Accepting that role is how they made it to the celestial kingdom to start with.  They understand the true meaning of sex, which admittedly is a little clinical. 

Lucifer:  Sounds awful, you should at least be able to convince them for a reverse cowgirl on occasion.  I hope you get your birthday blow job. 

HF: I have tried to no avail, for that reason I have given all mankind a gag reflex to discourage this action so others cannot experience the joy that I cannot receive. 

Jesus:  Daddy, what is a blow job?

HF:  It is an abomination to the little factory.

Lucifer:  It is not an abomination; it is when somebody puts a little factory in their mouth.

Jesus:  That sounds wonderful.  I bet I could fit three little factories in my mouth at once. 

HF:  No Jesus, you are the one who puts your little factory in somebody else’s mouth.

Jesus:  Oh, I guess would be okay too.

Lucifer:  Wow, I am as speechless as Jesus with three dicks in this mouth.  This has been educational, but I don’t think I can take any more of this direct communication.   Father, you have some serious issue that need to be worked out.  I really think you should fix yourself before you start making these messed up rules.  See you next meeting. (exits the room)

Jesus:  Thanks for the wonderful talk dad. I now understand how life is created.  What a glorious plan. (exits the meeting)

HF:  I think that talk went okay.  

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Meeting Minutes (Part V): Pre-mortal Life Planning Session (Gospel Distribution Plans)

Date:  Pre-Mortal Life

Subject:  Gospel Distribution Plan

Attendees: Heavenly Father, Jesus, Lucifer

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Heavenly Father [HF]:  Today we will discuss my work and my glory, to bring to past the immortality and eternal life of man. 

Lucifer:  You could just give people immortality and eternal life.

Jesus:  That would go against the plan; people need to earn these blessings.

HF:  Actually, I am giving people immortality.  Everybody born will be resurrected; however, only the people who choose to keep my commandments and have the required ordinances will be given eternal life.

Jesus:  Eternal Life is the opportunity to live with the father forever.

Lucifer:  Seems like mixed motivation to me. 

HF:  I actually have three plans that disseminate the gospel and ordinances.  I am excited about all of them and think they will all help reach my goal.

Lucifer:  I have reviewed your plans and think that all three are inadequate ways to disseminate your message.  None of the plans provide a majority of people an opportunity to even know your commandments or have access to your ordinances.  Plus, your so called “gospel” lacks nuance, and tries to shoe horn the whole world into pre-set forms. 

HF:  Each of my plans will effectively pass along the commandments and ordinances necessary for salvation.  I think you get too hung up in the details.

Lucifer: Some people say I am in the details . . . I am sure that will never be said about you.

HF:  My first plan will have Adam teach the gospel to his children.  Here is the catch, not only will he teach the gospel to his children, he will give them the authority to teach it to their children and neighbors.  The gospel will trickle down to the entire world. 

Jesus:  It will be like a gospel pyramid.

HF:  I call it a multi-level gospel.

Lucifer:  That plan is unsustainable.  Each time the message is passed down a generation, it will change and confusion will set in. Even if Adam lives to be 900 years old, which is physically impossible based on your body design, the message will be lost by year 1,000.

HF:  I think you are wrong, but I have prepared for such a contingency.  If the message gets lost, I will use my celestial do-over. 

Jesus:  If you are perfect, why would you need a do-over?

Lucifer:  Jesus, I am impressed with your questions.  Answer that one.

HF:  It is not a do-over it is a “celestial” do-over.  While I am perfect, the people can choose unrighteousness.  It is not a stain on my robe, if they choose poorly.

Lucifer:  Not even if you don’t provide everybody a fair chance to choose with adequate information?

HF:  You need to stop thinking so much and have faith, it will all work out in the end.

Lucifer:  Well, what is this “celestial do-over”?

HF:  It is simple, I will just flood the earth and start over with one family. 

Lucifer:  By flood the earth, you are saying that you will murder innocent women and children because they don’t choose your gospel, regardless of whether they had a fair opportunity to hear it?   That is beyond murder, that is genocide.   

HF:  False, it is not even murder.  Murder is the killing of a human being by another human being with malice aforethought.  I am technically not a human being, so I cannot commit murder.

Lucifer:  Then I guess you get off on a technicality.  Regardless, if people aren't accepting your message, it might not be the people that are the problems.  Maybe it is a message. 

Jesus:  Father’s message is perfect.  It tells his children that can all be saved by complete obedience to his commandments.

HF:  Lucifer, you are over thinking this.  A great flood has been used on other worlds hereto for created.  If I need to do the celestial do-over, my next distribution plan will take a different angle.  Instead of giving the gospel to one person to pass along, I will give it an entire tribe!

Jesus:  Hosanna to the most high! You plan is wonderful.  What tribe shall be honored to carry the gospel to the world!

HF:  I am thinking of choosing a wandering people in the Middle East.   

Lucifer:  What about everybody else in the world? Asia and Africa?  Seems like only giving one tribe the information required to get eternal life is a horrible plan. 

HF:  Just think how special that tribe will feel.  I bet all the other groups of people will treat them with the utmost respect knowing they have the only true key to happiness. 

Lucifer:  Either that, or thinking they are chosen will cause resentment from the other tribes.  I think this tribe idea is really bad.

HF:  Eventually, the tribe will draw near to me with their lips, but not hearts.  At that time, I will send the savior of the world.

Jesus:  That’s me, but how can you ensure that I am born at the right time.

HF:  We are stilling working on it, but I think I will probably go to earth and have sex with a teenage girl.

Lucifer:  I don’t think you should be having sex with teenage girls.  Teenage boys have sex with teenage girls, not ageless gods with thousands of heavenly wives. 

Jesus:  Dad, what is sex?

HF:  You don’t know? 

Lucifer:  Of course he doesn't know, you try to keep everybody as innocent as children and refuse to talk to people like adults.

HF:  In order to return to me, people must be like a child: submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which I seeth fit to inflict upon them, even as a child doth submit to his father, which I am.

Lucifer:  That is fucked up.  You should want your children to learn and grow and become independent. 

HF:  Lucifer, that is enough.  Jesus, I will tell you about sex soon.  It deals with your little factory and is part of why I tell you not to tug on it so much.

Jesus:  Okay, but I really have a lot of questions.

HF:  Let’s get back to the distribution plan.

Jesus:  So, when I am on earth, I will teach the gospel to the entire world and make sure everybody knows the steps they will need to follow to be saved!  I will be a perfect example!

HF:  No, your job will be to teach that one tribe my rules again and yada yada yada make sure people can have immortality and eternal life.  After you pass away from your physical state, my true gospel will remain on the earth for a few more years.

Jesus:  Sounds wonderful dad!

Lucifer:  Jesus, I think you need to look into that “yada yada yada.”  He is skipping some gruesome details on how you “pass away” and  take upon you the sins of the world.  It will be a bitter cup you have to drink down on earth.

Jesus:  Bitter, like drinking water out of an aluminum water bottle? 

Lucifer:  A little bit worse that than that.

HF:  Let’s not talk about that now.  The key is that the savior, Jesus, will be born and the gospel will remain on the earth for up to 30 years after his death.

Lucifer:  So you bang a teenager, create the savior of the world, and then your gospel is off the earth a few years after he dies?  Again, this is a failed distribution plan, not to mention the fact that you are requiring your son to be tortured.  Here is my question, how will the people living on earth after Jesus be able to obtain eternal life if your gospel isn't even on the earth a few years after Jesus’ life ends? You will be judging them against a standard they don’t even know exists.

HF:  Ahhh, that is where Plan 3 comes in.  After about 1,600 years, I’ll restore the teachings to a farm boy in America. 

Lucifer:  What?  That is millions of people who will never have access to the so-called saving ordinances because they are not even available on the earth.  How is that fair to those people living?  The fix is in and those people don’t have a shot.

HF:  The fix isn’t in.  Think of the time without the gospel like the end of a concert.  You might think it is over and the band forgot to play their best song, and then boom there is an encore and they start singing Kokomo with special guest star John Stamos.  Same thing here, the Gospel will have an encore and be restored by a prophet!

Lucifer:  So, the prophet is the John Stamos in your metaphor.

HF:  It is a perfect plan.

Jesus:  I want to be the John Stamos in the plan.

HF:  The role of savior is much bigger.  Plus, you don’t fit the John Stamos type.  I have somebody else in mind. 

Lucifer:  Based on your John Stamos plan, my calculations show that after a few hundred years, the gospel will be truly accepted by 5 million in a world of 7 Billion people.  That is like a fart in a hurricane.  There has to be a better way.

HF:  I guess I can let people who die accept the gospel and have the ordinances after death, but only if somebody on earth does it for them as a proxy. 

Lucifer:  So, even if they accept your rules and lived good lives, you will not let them in unless they have the ordinances.

HF:  Those are the rules.

Lucifer:  They are dumb rules and little arbitrary when access isn't permitted in one’s life.  You made the rules and you can change them.  Why not let people into heaven regardless of whether they were baptized.  So long as you tried hard, you get into heaven.

HF:  That would diminish the purpose of the atonement.

Lucifer:  The idea of the atonement is ridiculous.  You have arbitrarily said that nobody can live with you if they have sinned.  Everybody sins!  The only way to get out of sin is to pay a price for that sin. The only price you will take for that sin is the blood of your son?  Why not come up with a different price? How about you require a man to rake his neighbor’s leaves every 100 times he masturbates?  You can choose whatever price you want, but choosing your son’s blood is beyond fucked up. 

HF: So everybody would have to pay their own way? 

Lucifer:  Everybody pays their own way, if they don’t want to go to heaven, they don’t have to pay.  Why require somebody who is not at fault to take the fall?  It seems unethical to permit an innocent person to take the punishment for somebody else’s sins.  Killing an innocent person is the centerpiece of your plan!

HF:  The scapegoat protocol, or as I call it the atonement, has always been a law of heaven.   How about a compromise, if you die before you are 8 years old, you get into heaven automatically.  That’s fair right?

Lucifer:  So you are telling people it is better to die before turning 8 than to live the rest of their lives.  Plus, this system will ensure that heaven is full of babies from the poorest civilizations with the highest birth mortality rates.  Why not just stay, love your neighbor and don’t be a dick.  If you are a dick, apologize and try to be less of a dick.   

Jesus:  Love your neighbor, that’s pretty clever Lucifer.  I might use that on earth.

Lucifer:  Jesus, don’t go.  Earth will not be good for you.  It certainly won’t end well. 

Jesus:  I will do as my father requires.  I know his plan is true!

HF:  Great!  This is the way the plan must be, for if I were to let everybody into heaven, it would get a little crowded and may get noisy.  I think the fewer the people the better.

Lucifer:  I thought you said your work and glory was to give people eternal life?

HF:  Well, that is my work.  We all have jobs we have to do.  My glory is to relax in a nice quiet location.

Lucifer:  I am glad you take your “work” seriously enough to come up with half-assed plan. 

Jesus:  His plan is full-assed.  He never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it!

Lucifer:  Nobody has ever said that.  This meeting is over.

HF:  Meeting adjourned.