Meeting Minutes (Part VI): Pre-mortal Life Planning Session (Multiply and Replenish the Earth -- The Talk)

Subject:  Multiply and Replenish the Earth

Date:  Pre-creation

Attendees: Heavenly Father, Jesus, Lucifer
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Heavenly Father[HF]:  I have been fielding a lot of questions about how the tabernacles of flesh will populate the earth.   This is an important part of the plan and I will address it directly.  I expect both of you to be mature when we discuss this subject.

Jesus:  Thanks, dad.  I have been having a lot of confusion about this lately.

Lucifer:  I think your confusion runs deeper than what will be covered in this birds and bees talk.  I’m all ears.

HF:  In my plan, life will beget life.  The beasts, the fowls, the fishes, the insects, all creeping things, and other forms of animal life will multiply in their respective elements, each after its kind, so that every form of life may fill the measure of its creation, and have joy therein. 

Jesus:  So beast will beget beasts, and fish will beget fish, each in their respective elements.

HF:  That is the way it must be, for it is one of the laws of the eternities.

Lucifer: Hold on, if everything can only multiply in its respective element, then how are you making spirit children?  I mean, you are a resurrected being and the heavenly mothers are resurrected beings, why aren’t your children resurrected beings with bodies? I mean, how is a “spiritual being” the offspring of two resurrected beings partaking of the horizontal fruit of life?

HF:  Lucifer, don’t be crude.  Celestial coitus is sacred and not to be discussed in such a casual manner. 

Lucifer:  Sorry, how is a spiritual being the result of celestial coitus between two resurrected beings? 

Jesus:  Dad, what is celestial coitus?  And how do creatures multiply and replenish the earth?      

Lucifer:  Jesus, you don’t know what sex is? 

Jesus:  That is a naughty word!  Daddy told me to remain like a child and not talk about things like that.

Lucifer:  Jesus Christ, you need to grow up. 

HF:  Well Jesus, it is time I gave you the talk.  I will speak frankly like an adult, so you need to be mature. Each male body has little factory, one designed to produce the product that can generate life. 

Lucifer:  Two things: first, I don’t think calling the cock and balls a little factory is frank or direct communication. Second, don’t generalize the size of all men’s factories. 

HF:  Don’t interrupt.  The little factory moves quietly into operation as a normal and expected pattern of growth and begins to produce the life giving substance. It works very slowly. That is the way it should be. For the most part, unless you tamper with it, you will hardly be aware that it is working at all.  Sometimes the little factory will produce an oversupply of the life giving substance.

Lucifer:  Are you talking about semen?

Jesus:  What is semen?

Lucifer:  It is the life giving substance that Father is trying to speak about in a frank manner.  You know, that white and delightsome liquid . . . wink, wink.

Jesus:  White and delightsome!  Sounds delicious to the taste and quite desirable. 

HF:  You don’t drink it; it is not a desert wine.

Lucifer:  I will bet you the souls of a third of your spirit children that Jesus drinks it at least once.  He does have the gift of tongues according to John the Beloved.

HF: Enough, this life giving substance is not a joke. God will not be mocked.

Lucifer:  Sorry, you are right; I will control my loud laughter.  Please continue with your frank and honest talk about the little jizz factory.

HF: Thank you.  The little factory should not be tampered with.  In fact, the little factory has a way for the life giving substance to be released that will happen without any help.  As a tender mercy, one night you will have a dream and in the course of the dream the release valve that controls the factory will open and release all that is excess. 

Jesus:  So when I wake up in the morning and my robe is sticky, it is because of your tender mercies opening the release value to my factory.

Lucifer:  I think we have run with this metaphor long enough and it is starting to get creepy.

Jesus:  Father, I have learned a way to open the release valve while I am awake, which doesn’t require me to change my robe in the mornings!  It only takes a few minutes.

Lucifer:  I don’t need to know any more about your laying on of hands. 

HF:  Jesus, you must never tamper with the controls of the release value.  Never fondle yourself and open that release valve. For when you do it once, you will be tempted to do it again.  Manually opening the release value is one of the most heinous things you can do.

Jesus:  Oh no!  I am a bad spirit.

Lucifer:  No you aren’t.  Opening the release valve is not a big deal.  Everybody masturbates, even women.  The only difference is that when women do it, it is sexy as hell.   

HF:  Jesus, you are not a bad spirit because you didn’t know better as you are innocent as a child.  Going forward, thou shalt not tamper with your little factory. 

Lucifer:  Chill out, it is a victimless act, great stress reliever and sleep aid.

HF:  It may be a victimless act, but I consider it a sin.  The natural man is my enemy, and has been since the beginning of time.  Thus, I will take what is natural and make it a sin.  I shall forever have power over my children for they will have to look toward me for forgiveness for what they are doing.

Lucifer:  That is fucked up.  You are taking what is natural and making it evil for the sole purpose manipulating and controlling your children?  Who does that?  That is profoundly immoral and malevolent. 

HF:  No it is not.  I will use the feelings of guilt and shame to encourage positive behaviors and service.  Shame and guilt are great motivators and will help my children keep my other commandments. 

Lucifer:  I am speechless.  When you presented your great plan of salvation, you said people could choose to keep your commandments to show their love for you and to prove themselves.  Now, you are saying you plan on using guilt and shame to coerce people into following your commandments?  That is evil, even for the guy who wants to cut tips off dicks. 

Jesus:  Father, I think your plan is great and will lead to great works.  I still don’t understand how this life giving substance, which should be protected and saved, creates life.

HF:  Oh yes, back to the talk.  This little factory should only be used to deposit this life giving substance into a woman, with whom you are lawfully and spiritually wed.  The woman has an internal processing plant whereby this living giving material is accepted and will combine with the woman’s life giving material to form a child. 

Jesus:  So you put the little factory in the processing plant and create a life.  What a beautiful thing.

Lucifer:  I think you are underselling the woman’s processing plant, you know,  the holy of holies.  Plus, you completely ignored the intimacy and pleasure associated with sex.

HF:  There is a pleasure aspect to sex, but the true celestial purpose is to create life.

Lucifer:  Well, the pleasure aspect is a great side effect.  Plus, life creation isn’t a part of all sex, like oral or anal sex.

HF:  Both of those acts are an abomination to me.  Missionary style is the only heavenly sanctioned method of sex.  If that is all I can get, that is all my children should get.

Lucifer:  Whoa there, you only have missionary style sex with your thousands of spiritual wives!  Branch out.  Sometimes you have to give to receive, if you know what I mean.  There has to be more to heaven than just missionary style. 

HF:  My wives aren’t into that, for they know their eternal roles are to be continually pregnant and creating spiritual children.  Accepting that role is how they made it to the celestial kingdom to start with.  They understand the true meaning of sex, which admittedly is a little clinical. 

Lucifer:  Sounds awful, you should at least be able to convince them for a reverse cowgirl on occasion.  I hope you get your birthday blow job. 

HF: I have tried to no avail, for that reason I have given all mankind a gag reflex to discourage this action so others cannot experience the joy that I cannot receive. 

Jesus:  Daddy, what is a blow job?

HF:  It is an abomination to the little factory.

Lucifer:  It is not an abomination; it is when somebody puts a little factory in their mouth.

Jesus:  That sounds wonderful.  I bet I could fit three little factories in my mouth at once. 

HF:  No Jesus, you are the one who puts your little factory in somebody else’s mouth.

Jesus:  Oh, I guess would be okay too.

Lucifer:  Wow, I am as speechless as Jesus with three dicks in this mouth.  This has been educational, but I don’t think I can take any more of this direct communication.   Father, you have some serious issue that need to be worked out.  I really think you should fix yourself before you start making these messed up rules.  See you next meeting. (exits the room)

Jesus:  Thanks for the wonderful talk dad. I now understand how life is created.  What a glorious plan. (exits the meeting)

HF:  I think that talk went okay.  

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